It’s funny how this blog has become a series of inquiries, emotions, thoughts, and aspirations, more so than a steady train of thought in regards to my pregnancy. I love being pregnant for the second time. I almost feel as if I have done an injustice with my first son Zephyr. Hindsight is 20/20. There are so many new and exciting moments now. The fact that I found my soul mate helps a lot. I also think that age has a whole hell of a lot to do with it, the clarity is beyond explainable. There is such peace in truly finding and knowing yourself, with figuring out what you want and who you want to share it with. I now know experience is the only way to truly ‘know’ anything.
I think back to my pregnancy with Zephyr and I realize I didn’t think too much. I just continued on with my life only I could eat more and I was noticeably more tired. I didn’t read books, I skimmed them. I waited until 38 weeks to create ‘the nursery’. I was scared but only scared of giving up my single youthful existence. The fear didn’t really hit me until he was born and then it spiraled out of control. I had dreams of forgetting him in cars and finding him, a lone melted blob on the seat in the sun. I watched my friends in jealousy of their freedom. I loved him, with an unconditional crazy love, but I felt sad, alone, and afraid. This is where the hindsight comes in. Storms and I, Zephyr’s dad, were decent in the married role but totally wrong in the parent role. We forgot about us as a couple. We didn’t think to ask the questions like “what do you think about day care, disciple, parenting responsibilities, work, television shows, censorship, religion,” etc. We ended up being more like business partners in the end, silent partners. Not that we weren’t both there, but we both were definitely not present. Or maybe it was me? Maybe the roles freaked us both out and we just didn’t know how to manage ‘us’ and ‘parenting’? Maybe it was because we didn’t date long enough to know we weren’t meant to be married? Maybe we could have made it as a married couple, just not as parents. I don’t know. I wish I did, it would make learning from the experience a lot easier.
I now think I was always waiting on Andrew. With that knowledge comes such hopefulness for this child, and such sadness for my first. Don’t get me wrong, Zephyr is a happy and well loved child with parents who get along famously. However, now I sit here and I know that if Jack turns out happier and more well-rounded (for lack of a better word), I will blame myself. Not the blame that comes with hating yourself or living with regret, but the blame that comes with being unaware. I will blame myself for being unaware. Then there is this wave of understanding that floods over me as I think of my mother, my best friends mother, so many peoples’ mothers, and only now do I recognize their face.
Being a parent makes the rest of life’s trials and tribulations seem a tad bit small. It’s harder to sit with ‘yourself’ when no such thing exists any longer. I have lost the ‘me’, the ‘i’, and it has been absorbed by ‘us’. Storms and I fell into being parents for the first time together, we didn’t know. This time, I am acutely aware of what is left after the novelty wears off, of how easily it is to lose sight of your relationship. I hope to God Andrew and I are made to surpass them all because I could not live through a loss like that again. There is a huge difference in now and then but there is no way not to compare, there is no way not to be just a little bit afraid. But I do believe in Andrew and I, more than I have believed in anything or anyone, and I am ready to experience not only parenthood but a family. I think only then will I be complete.
